Thursday, September 6, 2007

Spam from the Great Beyond

Bobcat JesusIf you are reading this, then the Lord Bobcat Jesus has come down in his infinite flames and glory, surrounded by heavenly hosts and neighborly guests, in order to take those whosoever believeth in Him into the folds of his celestial paradise for eternity ... or until the boredom settles in. Millions of His believers have been called into heaven, and you, dear, have been Kept Down on earth.

Rumors are surely abounding around the globe about the disappearance of His followers, but in case you haven't heard about it already, then you must just assume that there is a huge worldwide conspiracy to suppress the fact that Bobcat Jesus has returned for His chosen.

I was one of them. So there! See, I was right. All those long, preachy sermons about how the flames of hell will lick the boils on your ass if you don't believe in the sacrificial graciousness of His Lord Holyroller were not in vain. Whereas my cup of everlasting mercy shall overflow, you will lick the dregs of your Dixie cup of Tang.

The only way out of this infernal predicament is to clasp your hands together oh-so-tightly and repeat after me: "I was wrong. There is a Bobcat Jesus. I believe in Bobcat Jesus. I offer up my worthless piece of shit self to your unlimited grooviness and love."

Only if you say that three times fast and really really mean it, then maybe--just maybe--Bobcat Jesus will pick you up next time he swings by planet Earth. Keep your fingers crossed!

The only trouble with this is that some people would rather waste their time believing in Jesus (without the "Bobcat") than accepting the Bobcat (perhaps without the "Jesus"). Thanks to I Blame the Patriarchy for the Good News!

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