Friday, September 22, 2000

"I'm free--free falling." Despite the relative stability of my life now--a definite work schedule, a definite class schedule, the fact that this schedule will remain the same until the beginning of December--I still feel like I'm falling through this world. It's easier to feel this way when I'm actually in flight, but something of my accelerated lifestyle has carried over after my last trip. The other/othered experiences bleed through into the normalcy of my everyday life in America with regularity. These events are almost like visions of a past life in which I am quite literally not myself and not where I am. Afterwards, I have more of that caved-in head and kicked-in stomach feeling. I'm learning to deal with this age of descendancy in which I travel onward yet downward. I worry about my sanity, though soberly knowing my grasp on that beast was always at best tenuous.

Questions haven't haunted me this past week as much as question marks have. To feel so much love, to feel so much anger for one who can only offer a single question mark after two months of silence! (Monkeys are meant to be missed.)

I've been living for debauchery and licentious public behavior lately. At least my mind has had a good laugh at the expense of any physical or sexual satisfaction. Sometimes it's nice to remind myself that everyone wants love. Not likely to give up my wicked, wicked ways anytime soon.

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