Friday, October 7, 2005

Land of those with the opinion of freedom

First things first: congratulations to the IAEA and its chief Mohamed ElBaradei for the Noble Peace Prize. I think Mr. ElBaradei now needs a Congressional Medal of Honor (not that that’s worth its gold veneer any more) for “speaking truth to [the perceived] power” of the Bush administration when they wanted him to lie about Iraq’s atomic program, and for putting up with having his telephone bugged [US taxes hard at work again] in the Bush administration’s attempt to assassinate his character and credibility [if not the man himself].

It seems the Catholic Church got my memo. They now will allow homosexual priests to serve as long as they meet the following requirements:
  • Celibate for the previous 3 years—even though heterosexual priests do not have to pass any such test
  • Do not “publicly manifest” their homosexuality—I guess that means they can’t wear those fancy dresses at their opulent cathedrals with sculptures and icons of a shirtless Jesus; only the straight ones will be able to do that now
  • Show an “overwhelming attraction” to homosexual culture—yeah, that’s right: culture, not merely just a “lifestyle” any more!—even if it’s only intellectually—I don’t even know where to begin with this one!
Reminds me of a joke Dick [the person, not the organ] told me in Prague:
A priest was summoned to the Vatican for a meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever.

“I feel up to the challenge, Father,” he said, “but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of penance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?” The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins and penance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.

The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his mentor left him.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with,” came the first voice.

Nervously the young priest checked his list: Impure Thoughts: see also Adulterous Thoughts, Disrespectful Thoughts, Murderous Thoughts.

He then referred to Adulterous Thoughts and found that 4 Hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the penance and waited.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the next person. “I took $50.00 from my employers desk!”

The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found: Stealing: <$10.00 – 10 Hail Marys; <$100.00 – 20 Hail Marys; <$1000.00 – 50 Hail Marys; <$1000.00 – 80 Hail Marys and 5 rosaries.

After assigning the appropriate penance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the next person. “I was butt-fucked by another man!”

The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, Anal Sex was not listed. He checked for Rectal Intercourse – nothing. Homosexual Experience also wasn’t listed.

Finally, he grabbed a choirboy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting, “What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?”

“Oh, sometimes a Mars, sometimes a Snickers.”
Finally, I’d like to dedicate today’s entry to the 464 Mexicans—a 43% increase over the previous year—who have died this past year trying to enter my country. If I had my say, the gates would be thrown open, and the bridge over the Rio Grande would be paved with gold from the coffers of our two political parties. Because despite the fact that our two countries are allegedly bound together in free trade agreements, we all know that trade only applies to mega-corporations that get tax breaks [read: a free ride; i.e., they don’t pay their fair share for American resources and infrastructure even though they get to use our network of highways and interstates to move their “goods” across the borders of both countries, completely bypassing their people who are not granted the freedom that commerce affords]. It seems I’m the only American who knows you’re not trying to steal my job (just how many of you want to be professors of political philosophy anyway?). Someday we will all be as free as most Americans merely think they are now, and I’ll welcome you all with open arms.

(In the distance, a Journey song plays....)

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