Thursday, August 25, 2005

Holy Mackerel

Er—I mean catfish!

Did anyone else come across this story: IHT article or National Geographic article. (Both sites have photos, though you'll need to see IHT's front page to access their slide show.) A catfish “the size of a grizzly bear”: 293 kilograms (646 pounds) & 2.7 meters long (almost 9 feet).

I think there must have been some confusion on the Mekong that day: what they really found was God Himself incarnate as female catfish. If I would’ve been there that day, I would have bowed before its Divine Catfish Self, worshipping it as the Most Holy Sacred Catfish and Final Manifestation of the Lord God Almighty—which, of course, would make me the first eligible to enter Catfish Heaven. Jesus H. Catfish, Lord of the Mekong

The sacrifice of a chicken to Chao Poh Plaa Beuk (the Thai god of giant catfish) was all it took to reel in Jesus H. Catfish. Or is that Jesus-fucking Catfish? Either way, you almost expect a giant (grizzly-sized, no doubt) loaf of bread to be nearby.

When it died after scientists harvested Her eggs, villagers chopped it up into giant round Steaks and ate Her. [“Take, eat; this is my catfish flesh.”] Her meat was described as “soft, sweet, and mild”--like an angel's, no doubt! I wonder how many Eggs of God were harvested?

After Googling several variations of “deity god catfish Thailand,” I never found more information about Chao Poh Plaa Beuk. The most relevant search results included a site where someone had written, “God, I’m hungry for catfish!” Pure blasphemy! And then there was some bullshit missionary zealotry. Don’t those people realize that God already beat them there?

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