Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ

Exhausted from staying up all night, burning the names and addresses of known Jews, homosexualists, abortionists, intellectuals, unionists, Arabs, liberals, socialists, feminists, performance artists, race-defilers, among others I call “friend.” If only the Jews had such foresight when Adolph Hitler was democratically elected! If you don’t hear from me, it’s probably because I no longer have your contact information. You’re safer this way, as your secrets will die with me.

Thankfully, we had international election monitors on hand to help out this year:
“[I]nternational monitors at a polling station in southern Florida said Tuesday that voting procedures fell short in many ways of the best global practices. The observers said they had less access to polls than in Kazakhstan, that the electronic voting had fewer fail-safes than in Venezuela, that the ballots were not so simple as in the Republic of Georgia and that no other country had such a complex national election system. ‘To be honest, monitoring elections in Serbia a few months ago was much simpler.’”
Yep, that’s about it: America is a first-rate Third World country.

The most discouraging aspect of this election was the assessment that despite the millions of dollars spent on registering and mobilizing the youth (18 – 30 year olds), there was no indication that they actually voted. Did you think those free CDs handed out by the fistful at Rock-the-Vote rallies didn’t come with strings? Reminds me of something Bart Simpson once said: “Damn Generation X-ers! We need another Viet Nam to thin out their ranks.” Send the bastards to Iraq. Hell, just throw ‘em out the plane over Falluja: you’re bound to hit some insurgents, no?

Significant that in my humanities course yesterday, a handful of students wanted to argue with Kant regarding transcendental idealism—his revolutionary notion that the human mind does not sit passively back and merely interpret empirical reality but rather is actively engaged in the creation of knowledge. I’m beginning to see their point.

Despite the polarization of the latest round of the Culture Wars, I’m oddly at ease with the election results. Perhaps it’s from teaching political science for the past 1½ years; it’s all been demystified. Or maybe it’s all the meditation and yoga: I’ve simply transcended partisanship (much like how the Chairman of the Republican Party claimed it’s because voters are tired of partisan politics that they overwhelmingly voted Republican—you just can’t argue with that kind of logic!). So, I’ll continue practicing Eastern religion, reading European philosophy, speaking foreign languages, having public, anonymous group sex, spending tax money on abortions, drinking the blood of Christian babies, using the metric system, and generally thinking deep thoughts until they force me to board the train.

2 comments:

  1. It won't be a train. The government will make a deal with Southwest Airlines and we'll be given one of those plastic boarding passes labeled "homo", or "femi-nazi baby-killer" or "smartie-pants." We'll all be issued Bush's newly published autobiography (ghostwritten by Ben Affleck) "Right Tool, Right Time." We'll sleep on cots inside abandoned (although they left their book/magazine section behind)Wal-Mart stores and during the day we'll pick up trash at Camp David or the 700 Club headquarters.

    And one day it'll be a movie--a moving story of a feminist forced to choose between her two homosexual friends (although the actress won't have to learn Polish!)at the airport. "I can't chooooooose.....I'm having their baby!"

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  2. Glad to see there's at least one prescient visionary (redundant, no?) reading my blog! But they won't make you choose: by that time they (Alberto Gonzalez, Esq.) will have rewritten the Constitution forbidding any choice on the part of a woman.

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